Family row turns the air green

Mess or mayhem, what’s the best of the two evils?

The other day was a normal day just like any other. We all sat down for tea, then our youngest who’s 19 months old picked up a pen and started to scribble on our new oil cloth table cover - so I calmly reached for the pen and happily smiled at our child and carried on with eating my tea.

Then, as I calmly (and almost smugly) carried on eating my tea I noticed she’d found an ink-fill from a felt-tip pen and was chewing it in her mouth, suddenly I could see ink all around her mouth, on her hands and blotched all over our new oil cloth.

I tried to count to ten but I just felt my blood boil (not with my 19 month old) but with our 5 year old who I’d kindly asked to clean away her pens before we sat down to eat.

Too late now though, I was slowly turning into the incredible hulk - I surveyed the room and realised the whole house was a mess, everywhere I looked my heart beat louder and faster as I could see toys strewn all over the place.

At this point I was literally turning into the incredible hulk, do you remember the bit in the 70’s TV show where he leans over, vaguley looks up and says - don’t make me angry! you won’t like me when I’m angry! Well, I’m afraid that’s how I felt and there was no turning back.

The next part of my anger was screamed out of me like a genie trying to fight his way out his magical lamp. I was livid, pointing at the said daughter in question and also venting my frustration at my wife for allowing our children to constantly turn our home into the worst looking creche on the planet.

The whole episode lasted about 1 minute ending with both children crying and my wife storming out of the house with a parting shot that could have cut me in two.

“You will never see me and the girls again if you ever talk to us like that ever again”.

Then, as she slammed the front door with our 19 month old under her arm, which by the way looked as if she was holding a rocket launcher under her arm, and if it was I’m convinced she’d have used it on me. She then walked past the window a threw me a look which made me even more annoyed, the kind of look that only people who are married know will make them see red or green in this case.

That’s it (I thought) I’m finished with this family. Yes, my rant was slowly turning into a scene from The Godfather, I mean - just because I am a Godfather doesn’t mean I have the right to act like The Godfather. Or does it?

Once I’d calmed down though, I realised that although my rant was a valid frustration it was completely unecessary. And not really a good enough reason to leave the family for, well not yet anyway. Note to self: Take the horse’s head out of the bed asap.

As we all know hindsight is a wonderful thing and what I should have done is calmly taken our five year old aside and spoken to her about the dangers of leaving things out and the importance of keeping things tidy.

Me thinks it’s time to eat humble pie

So, what was my reason for such a dramatic, un-coof, hysterical, insane and bad mouthed rant. Well, just like many other parents I was tired from working all week, then having to do jobs around the house whilst watching the children. This combined with some continuous frustrations about our eldest daughter not tidying up after herself was the straw that broke the camel’s back ‘as they say’.

What have I learnt?

I’ve learnt that it’s never good to lose your temper, even if it’s for a valid reason - it always makes you feel terrible afterwards. Plus, your children will grow up thinking you’re slightly nuts (especially when you foam at the mouth and turn green).

But am I alone? Am I the only parent who sometimes loses his patience and gets annoyed about the most ridiculous things? Once upon a time I used to have some smug friends who said: “We never argue, and we never fall out, we’re probably the perfect match”.

Mmm… probably yes - but wait until you have kids, then we’ll see if you’re a perfect match.

Anyway, to make me feel even worse (but proud at the same time) my eldest daughter has completely tidied up the whole house during half-term. How bad do I feel now…

This post was written by Mr X, who has stayed anonymous due to the implications of the men in white suits giving him a call and throwing him in a padded cell.